October 2007
Almost a year to the day of our 1 year anniversary, my then boyfriend finds out I was unfaithful over a weekend that previous summer... because he kicked me out of the house for starting an argument over his goddamn video games....breaks up with me.
A few days after, I come to his house to try and patch things up, and he's gone. vanished. A week later I get a phone call from Montana. His mom packed their stuff and drove off the morning after we split.

I've cried every three months or so since then. I miss him so much. I couldn't, and can't find someone like him. someone I like as much. It's completely ruined my love life, because no one is good enough anymore. And it's like a continuous feeling, like there's something missing. Like maybe I forgot my phone or something, somewhere.
But it's not that. It's just, he's not here anymore.

We've kept in touch since then, of course. I just found out he was coming back, in just a few months.
Moving in with a mutual friend of ours from high school. Going to college. Here. Near me. Finally. After so fucking long...

....But due to physical, emotional, just... life's fucking circumstances... we can never, ever be together.
Too different. too much shit's happened. Too many other people. too many experiences. too many opinions.
He pretty much lived this self-destructive life, been to jail, slept with girls he shouldn't have, done/sold drugs... an utter fucking mess now. Gross.

The one thing I've been waiting for, for so long...fucking useless now.

The only non-family member, the only real, young, not-dead man I've ever loved. Like, REALLY loved. Most people think they know what love is, it's just infatuation. this was love. It brings me to tears. It was the I'd go to the edge of the earth for you, any day.

and it's not fucking fair.

and I'll break down, lose it, if I see him.

And i don't know what the fuck to do. What the fuck... to do.